Thank You Tier
We will love and cherish you for all time, and you will be able to rest your head every night knowing in your heart that you are, in our professional opinion, one of the very best people that the human race has ever produced.
Just Asking Questions
We will announce on the show that you are Just Asking Questions (one of Tucker's most infuriating catchphrases). and if you do have a question for us, we will also answer it to the best of our ability on the air, no matter how difficult.
Lying, Smug, Pompous Group-Thinker
At this level, you will become Tucker's sworn enemy: A Lying, Smug, Pompous Group-Thinker, and we will announce it to the world. At this tier we will also accommodate any special requests you might have--i.e. birthday shout-outs, highlighting a cause you support, singing a song you wrote, reading an excerpt from your manifesto, etc.
Elite
At this level, you join the Elite. As a member of the ruling class, you will make a disproportionate number of the decisions around here. If there are any particular topics that fall within our purview (right-wing propaganda and/or punditry) that you would like us to explore, we'll run down that rabbit hole just for you.
Sworn Enemy
At this level, you become a Sworn Enemy of Tucker Carlson. You will receive any combination of the previous benefits that your heart desires.
Jon Stewart
At this coveted top-level tier, you will become an artificial Jon Stewart, the man who called Tucker Carlson a dick on TV. You'll also have access to any and all of the previous benefits, as well as the option to record a message for us to play on the show if you wish, and you will unlock our top-level merch.
